people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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