sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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