I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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