i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
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