I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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