I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
