So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Randomize
