This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize