I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
