come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
