Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
