My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
