My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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