hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
