im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
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