her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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