i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
