Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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