I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
