he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
