Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
