I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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