weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
