Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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