i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
