Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
