you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
it glows. i had to have it.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Randomize
