those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
