he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
