You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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