He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Randomize
