Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
