I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
