dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
i out mim tonsoeep
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
