well I can't set my house on fire every night
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
