See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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