My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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