i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
