so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
