Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
