im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Randomize
