I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
