The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
