She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
