We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
