How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
