If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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