You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
