I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
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