i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
40s are totally the cure
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
