he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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