i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
