We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
