i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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