my phone needs a breathalizer
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
