the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I need to stop coming to work sober
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
