We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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