I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
