Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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