I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Randomize
